Everything in me hesitates to write this next post, but then there's something else nagging at me & nudging... As I sit and read different posts & blogs, I remember just how common it really is and not just that it's common, but that God has a different experience for each one, yet helps us all so uniquely! So, as I read the posts and then look at my old pictures, I well up with tears I didn't think I had or needed or better yet, thought I'd ever feel!
I simply want to state that this post isn't for any other purpose than for me. For me to process & remember the journey God's brought us on...
Yes, at the end of April we were overjoyed to find out we were expecting again... I decided to take a test because of how sick & nauseous I was feeling! From day one the morning sickness hit. Several people around us continued to encourage us by saying that sickness was a sign of a healthy baby, so we continued to push through with excitement! As most of you can imagine the house-hunt got a little more serious when we knew baby #2 was on the way. I firmly believe that the timing of it all was part of God's way of bringing us to the perfect home... We went on our anniversary trip to Hilton Head and embraced every minute, reminiscing on where God brought us over the past five years. It brought us so much joy to see God's gifts & blessing of life! We announced to family with this picture on Mother's day so our loved ones could join in the excitement!
Routinely, our 8 week ultrasound came... after I was prescribed something for my horrible morning sickness, the exam went perfectly! But then came the ultrasound, in that awkward moment laying on the bed, with the screen projected on the wall, we watched the tech type faster & faster & continue going over the same spot with her wand, until she asks "when was your last period? Are you sure you're not earlier than 8 weeks?" ... In that moment I knew, I knew exactly how far along I was & I could see on the screen where there was no shapes or movements. I knew, there was no baby! We were rushed out to see the doctor for his review & we were told it's called a "blighted ovum". In the early early stages of development my body recognized the baby wasn't healthy & it started to discard it, never allowing it to grow & develop!
Initially, we were heart broken, but soon after we had extreme feelings of peace, only given by God! The phrase "God gives & takes away" rang, oh, so true... This was God's plan for us & He had a purpose! We still might not know that purpose, but we have faith & can trust God with it!
[These were from our Anniversary beach trip!]
I went in for a follow up ultrasound to confirm there was no baby growth the next week. Everything went as expected, until the tech showed us what she called "debris". Yes, it means what you think. That word, it still rings in my ears. That made the entire grief process start all over for me... God stayed true & brought me peace again!
The doctor allowed me several weeks to wait it out for my body to "release" everything, but to our surprise it didn't... One of the hardest parts of this process was watching my body think it was still pregnant, yet mentally knowing, I wasn't! I was still constantly sick with morning sickness, achy, smell sensitivity, etc. The sac continued to grow. And there was never one physical sign (bleeding, cramping, etc) of miscarrying! So, inevitably, we had to schedule a d&c...
At 11.5 weeks I went in for a routine procedure. In that moment, knowing it was routine gave me so much reassurance. But today, as I reflect, it breaks my heart to know that it's happening so frequently... During that week I don't think I ever had time or energy to really grasp what was going on. All I could think about was how I'd do going under & how long recovery would be. Again, I think that was by the Grace of God. A week after the procedure God graciously gave Jonny & I a weekend at the lake where we were able to rest, reflect, & be rejuvenated.
Now, I sit in peace knowing God's in control & that his plan is perfect! I cherish those sweet snuggles from my firstborn more & more. And I relate even more to the song, Jonny & I consider one of "our" songs (even before this happened), "It is Well"! ... I have moments where it all wells up in me and I, again, grieve. And there are still moments I watch siblings play, wishing & dreaming of that bond for my son, heartbroken that it could have been sooner! But, I still know God is good. & I have to constantly remind myself of that, as now, we are in the waiting period again...
When peace like a river attendeth my way
when sorrows like sea billows roll
what ever my lot you have taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul